new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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