My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize