Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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