Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
