I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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