Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
