i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
