Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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