i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
