I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize