My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's just like the Real World with babies
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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