I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
