Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
