He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
