I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Holy shit dude........stairs
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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