It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
