M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
