R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
