i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
