neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
