sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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