It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
