Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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