Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
