I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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