bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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