my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
