So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
