No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
