Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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