I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
