i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize