Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
