i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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