I want to make a zoo with you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
