today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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