On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
