I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
My cat gives me a boner
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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