shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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