Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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