she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
