Reggie can tackle my bush.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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