i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
