John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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