I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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