this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
