We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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