if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
