between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
