I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
