Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
