it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
