i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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