you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
