No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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