someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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