everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
