clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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