If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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