Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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