she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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