I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
