At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
