So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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