I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
