Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
