there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
